E and F are independent iff $\frac{p(E \cap F)}{p(F)}=p(E)$.
Also, E and F are independent iff $p(E | F)=p(E)$
Why do I get nonsense if I combine the two? I'd get: E and F are independent iff $p(E | F) = \frac{p(E \cap F)}{p(F)}$
Why doesn't the iff carry over when I combine the two equations?
Let $a=\frac{p(E \cap F)}{p(F)}$, $b=p(E | F)$, and $c=p(E)$. You know that the equations $a=c$ and $b=c$ are equivalent to each other (since they are both equivalent to "$E$ and $F$ are independent"). That is, whenever $a=c$ is true, $b=c$ is also true, and conversely.
There is no reason for $a=b$ to be equivalent to these two statements, though. If $a=c$ is true, then $b=c$ is also true, and so $a=b$ is true as well. So we have an implication in one direction. But the other direction doesn't work: if we know $a=b$, that doesn't tell us anything about whether $a=c$ or $b=c$ are true. It's entirely possible that $a$ and $b$ are equal to each other, but not to $c$.