Every function $f$ with domain in $\mathbb{R}$ can be written
$$f=E+O$$
where $E$ is an even function and $O$ is an odd function.
Proof
Assume $f(x) = E(x) + O(x)$.
Then
$$f(-x)=E(-x) + O(-x)=E(x)-O(x)$$
Therefore, given a function $f$,
$$f(x) = E(x) + O(x)$$ $$f(-x)=E(x)-O(x)$$
represent a system of two equations in two unknowns.
We can solve for
$$E(x) = \frac{f(x) + f(-x)}{2}$$
$$O(x) = \frac{f(x) - f(-x)}{2}$$
This concludes the proof.
Now consider a function
$$f(x) = \begin{cases} 0\text{ if } x < 0 \\ x\text{ if } x \geq 0 \end{cases}$$
What do $E(x)$ and $O(x)$ look like?
$$E(x) = \begin{cases} \frac{0+x}{2}=\frac{x}{2}\text{ if } x<0 \\ \frac{x+0}{2}=\frac{x}{2}\text{ if } x \geq 0 \end{cases}$$
Isn't the function $E(x)=\frac{x}{2}$ odd?
Similarly, we reach
$$O(x) = \begin{cases} \frac{0-x}{2}=-\frac{x}{2}\text{ if } x<0 \\ \frac{x-0}{2}=\frac{x}{2}\text{ if } x \geq 0 \end{cases}$$
Isn't $O(x)$ even?
I must be missing something very silly here.
Yes, exactly. You'd originally (in the Question) proved the required theorem's converse instead. The theorem and its converse together show that every function has a unique decomposition into a pair of even and odd functions.
Correction: $$E(x) = \begin{cases} \frac{0+(-x)}{2}=-\frac{x}{2}\text{ if } x<0 \\ \frac{x+0}{2}=\frac{x}{2}\text{ if } x \geq 0 \end{cases}.$$
Correction: $$O(x) = \begin{cases} \frac{0-(-x)}{2}=\frac{x}{2}\text{ if } x<0 \\ \frac{x-0}{2}=\frac{x}{2}\text{ if } x \geq 0 \end{cases}.$$