Consider the integral
$$ \int_a^b f(x) \,dx $$
now make the $u$-substitution $u \mapsto c + (x-a)(x-b)$. The resulting integral is
$$ \int_c^c h(u) \,du $$
where $h(u)$ is the integrand $f$ after the substitution, however, regardless of $f$ the integral $\int_c^c du = 0$. Looking at the definition Wikipedia provides I believe the substitution meets every condition. It's differentiable and has a integrable derivative, because it's a polynomial. So what's wrong with this substitution such that it always results in $0$?
The formula of change of variables is, for $\phi\in\mathcal{C}^1$, $$\int_{\phi(a)}^{\phi(b)}f(t)\,dt=\int_a^bf(\phi(t))\phi'(t)\,dt,$$ so to get what you write, you should have that $f$ is written as a function of the form $$\tilde{f}\circ \text{“your function''}\times\text{“the derivative of your function''},$$ or to inverse "your function", which is of course not possible since it is not bijective.
EDIT : More precisely, if you want to change both the integrand and the boundaries, you have to find $\tilde{a}\in\phi^{-1}(a)$ and $\tilde{b}\in\phi^{-1}(b)$ to finally write $$\int_a^bf(t)\,dt=\int_\tilde{a}^\tilde{b}f(\phi(t))\phi'(t)\,dt,$$ and if $a\neq b$ then $\tilde{a}\neq\tilde{b}$ (else $a=\phi(\tilde{a})=\phi(\tilde{b})=b$), and you can't conclude a priori that the right integral is $0$ using the same boundaries argument.